Better Than Anything Else

Tuesday March 23, 2010

2010-03-23T12:38:00.001-04:00

Things are always changing, always up, always down, always different. The only thing that remains the same.

I think it's time to start up with the positive, sappy missives again. Get stoked.

January 23 - 27, 2009

2009-01-27T20:22:00.003-05:00

Think I'll float on down, to Richmond-town.

Haven't updated in awhile, my bad.

I have joys from the past couple of days that have warmed my heart, along with a flimsy promise to try to update more.

This weekend was remarkable for many reasons. When on a little trip to visit H for a few days, which was absolutely fanatic. I know there are many things that should stand out as great moments of joy and perfect but honestly it was a simple moment of clarity. I was building a bicycle wheel, while H made pasta and pesto. As simple as that. It was simple, soft and comfortable. It was a beautiful change from the pressures and stress of the holidays, as well as his visit in December. It was nice working together, smiling together, despite the pressures of time. And it was pretty awesome building my first bicycle wheel.

I'm moving soon, and frankly cannot wait to get back to the comfort of a neighborhood. Joy joy joy. Found and leased the house today.

New years promises; write, be joyful, smile, take chances, assert myself, stop procrastinating.

Friday December 5, 2008

2008-12-06T00:26:00.003-05:00

Crazy past couple of weeks. Always running, always writing, always hanging, barely time to breathe, let alone write in a silly little journal. Desperately need to finish the comprehensive exams. Baby steps to the degree, only half left, half finished.

Tonight was a nice breath of fresh air. Went to the Art Walk with a friend, after attempted for 30 minutes to jump her car. Quite amusing. But what was the perfect moment tonight?

It's taken a bit of thinking to get to it. I feel like I've fallen out of practice looking for the moments, but it needs to happen, especially in the winter doldrums.

So today.

Monday October 20, 2008

2008-10-21T14:30:00.003-04:00

Flew in early this morning from an absolutely perfect weekend in Boston. I am incapable of picking apart every perfect moment from that weekend as ever moment was perfection and joy.

Yet, Monday itself was an odd bit of beauty. J picked me up from the airport, 30 minutes late. Those 30 minutes were small potatoes compared to the 6 months that have passed since I last saw him. I promised myself I wouldn't cry, yet there I was in the airport "Arrivals" lane, a bunch of lilies clasped in my hand embracing my long lost friend with tears tumbling down my face. I felt silly, contrived and wonderful. As we embraced, for what seemed like hours (whole in reality was probably less than a minute), I felt the world spinning and the eyes of those waiting for their own rides fall upon us. What did they think? We were long lost siblings? Friends? Lovers? Does it matter? In that lasting embrace I re-found joy in a friendship which I have been so ready to shove aside as worthless, heart-breaking. I realized why I loved him for so long, why it was so hard to let go and finally why it is better than anything else to accept. Accept lasting friendship.

Saturday October 4, 2008

2008-10-06T19:22:00.002-04:00

It's been awhile since I wrote, sorry. I am now attempting to take advantage of my night in (the first in who knows how long), to begin writing again. Although, I make no promises for how long this may last.

Saturday morning I awoke earlier than I would have liked. Head pounding from far too many Pabsts, and far too late of a night on Friday. Any other weekend I would have skipped my plans and curled back up underneath my quilts, but not this Saturday. I spent, what was most likely, the last beautiful weekend of summer/fall lost amidst the trees, trails and streams of Afton mountain. The sky was clear and the leaves a translucent pink which coloured the trails in an Alice and Wonderland haze. It was absolutely perfect, and wonderful, and freeing to be out of the city breathing clean mountain air. The company was not half bad either. Flying down the interstate singing Old Crow and various other country tunes, smiling, laughing with the T-top. Absolute joy. I do have my reservations, which are in every way valid, and I shall try my hardest not to become stuck in the perils i put behind me in my college days.

Wednesday Septemeber 3, 2008

2008-09-06T13:08:00.004-04:00

Peaches in the summer time, apples in the fall.

Walking home tonight, the city damp, humid and hot around me. I could feel the walls of the city breathing around me. She felt like an old friend I had not seen in ages. There are some nights where I love this city more than I can put into words.

Sorry this is not a good update. I've been stuck in an odd place with my life right now, I'm struggling to see the good and alienating that which should be. I've been coming and going so much this last month I look forward to hunkering down with school this month. Although I cannot pretend that it does not feel abnormal to be here without J, and that it does not hurt the way he's began to treat me. To each it's season. Everything moves in cycles.

Friday August 15 - Sunday August 17, 2008

2008-08-21T08:30:00.002-04:00

This weekend was best friends day, accompanied by a massive influx of out of town friends. Between burritos, beers, bikes, dance parties, short skirts, new friends, swimming, rope swings, laughs, smiles, hugs, more burritos, bands, music and everything else I cannot list here, this weekend was better than anything else. August has been over flowing with joy and love and laughter. Last weekend was a large camp out party, and this weekend is the wedding of a good friend. This month, and every month I hope the smiles never stop.

Thursday August 7, 2008

2008-08-07T21:49:00.002-04:00

I was walking to work today, a little later than usual (re: noon). As I was rounding the capital building I came to a group of benches surrounding a statue of Thomas Jackson (aka Stonewall Jackson). On the far side sat an older gentleman, in his 40s at the very least. He wore nice slacks, collared shirt, sunglasses and a serious irritated look. As I approached he leaned forward a small piece of bread between his thumb and forefinger. As I drew closer a squirrel scampered up to the man, stood on it's hindlegs and using its little hands took the bread from the man. The man sat back, no change in expression and continued with his lunch. I cannot imagine how he found a suirrel that would do this, but i do enjoy thinking about how commonplace it must be for him to not even smile at the closeness of the bushy tailed creature.

Even I smiled with glee.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

2008-07-19T16:32:00.004-04:00

It's a quiet day in the city. The kind where you look all around you with every step down the street, just to make sure you're not the only one left in the world. The air feels hallow, yet dense. It's a day that doesn't make any sense, yet seems to fit me perfectly.

I saw an old friend as I took a break from writing my exams. Despite seeing him multiple times in the past years, this was the first time that I again felt the closeness we once shared as friends. It was good, it was the same oddness that has followed me throughout the day.

Today I also cried, for the first time in months, over something so silly, so trivial; I questioned if I was just being hormonal. But it's no time for that. I cried over J and I still can't believe it. It brought back a rush of emotions, of love, anger and sadness that I had put behind me long before he left. Only to make me realize how much i still love him, and how hard it will continue to be to move on. I would wish for me to be the woman that he craves, his 'dream girl,' but I know that even if I was I would still never be enough for him. And that is a hard thing to swallow. But it fits. It fits with the oddness of the day, with the silence, with the hallow air, with the tufted clouds. It fits. It is comforting to feel the snugness of things snapping together like puzzle pieces around me, even if a part of that togetherness is the complete realization of not fitting with someone for whom I care so deeply. And somewhere amongst all of that is perfection and yes, even a quiet joy.

Wednesday June 9, 2008

2008-07-10T01:00:00.004-04:00

Tonight while I was walking home I witnessed a broken water main. In the middle of the street was set a gigantic hole waiting to swallow-up any unwary soul. I walked up to the edge of the unmanned hole and peered into its depths. It is amazing to consider the mazes of emptiness that lie beneath the city streets which I walk and bike nearly every day. The emptiness stared back at me begging to engulf me, deep, dark, hallow. I turned away amazed at my midnight discovery and shuffled towards home over the cobblestones.

I was shaken and yet have never felt so much joy. Sorry I have not updated, I am the worst. I'll try harder, I promise.

Tuesday June 3, 2008

2008-06-05T01:43:00.004-04:00

I've been thinking for quite some time how to go about wording the entry for Tuesday. I know that's not excuse for not writing, but after some bad decisions tonight I have at the least conjured in my mind the moment I best loved about Tuesday.

Tuesday I went to dinner with a man I had met this past weekend. I caution at giving him a letter so quickly, just for the sake that I've been giving them out ad nauseam lately, and here I would like to show some restraint. At any rate, he and I went to dinner, it was cordial and nice. Great conversation, food and company. When we had first set out to dinner on our bikes he had mentioned that it might rain, I said to hell with rain and we proceeded to bike out of downtown. Upon ending our dinner we stepped out of the little Cuban restaurant to realize it was pouring down rain with no chances of letting up. I grinned as the rain glistened under street lights, he put on his rain gear and I put on a long sleeve shirt knowing fully well I would be soaked by the time I got back to my apartment. I didn't care. There is something to be said for pushing your feet against pedals, forcing your bike as fast as you possibly can, the rain pummeling your face as you cut through the pooling water in the streets. Riding in the warm summer rain, jeans rubbing nearly uncomfortably against your legs, hands slipping against grips, there is little better. Yes the rest of the night was fun, it was relieving to comfortably be able to geek out over bikes, video games and movies without feeling absurd. It was wonderful sharing smiles, drinking tea and drying off from the down pour, but nothing tops riding in the rain.

Tuesday June 3, 2008

2008-06-04T11:28:00.002-04:00

It's been a crazy past couple of days. I am almost completely moved into my new apartment, which was a pain, but it's nice to be nearly there. On top of moving I found a lot of time this weekend to hang out, and fit in a ton of bike riding. T gave me roses for my birthday on Sunday, which was pretty delightful.

Friday May 30, 2008

2008-05-31T11:09:00.004-04:00

I'm supposed to be moving and packing today, but I can't seem to stop listening to "Eli, The Barrow Boy" by The Decemberists. It was a big song for me at the end of last summer when I was spending a large amount of my time with a boy who obsessed over it. It's a good memory, but I must confess I agreed with him when he said it was one of the saddest songs he'd ever heard. On to Friday...

Friday was work followed by extensive bike rides, hang-outs, music and good conversations. I ended up at a local house that hosts shows for the majority of the evening, which was enjoyable. I even had a nearly to serious conversation with T before I left. Riding the 3-4 miles back to my house, I felt like I wanted to cry but I couldn't. Yes, I feel like I've lost a lot of what I care about lately, the early morning/late night city holds too much promise, too much joy, too much energy, to ever be sad for long. I had talked to J earlier in the evening, and he had expressed his concern for me biking home through the ghetto, so when I arrived home at 2am I gave him a ring. His phone was on and he actually answered. He had hoped I would call to alert him to my safety. It is nice to be worried over and cared about. It's nice to be thought of, even if it's not in the way most desired.

Thursday May 29, 2008

2008-05-30T00:55:00.004-04:00

The 28th was my birthday, and although I briefly considered writing about a perfect moment from that day, i decided against trying to tease out that day. I have never been a fan of birthdays, they are always lonely and woeful for me. I chose to celebrate as little as possible because of that I move onto the 29th.

This evening I went to coffee with K. I had expected him not to call, and was mildly confused/happily surprised when he did. Coffee was nice, civil. K can be very wonderful to be around, more so than I ever expected. I found joy in our walk from the coffee shop, back to my house. The weather was cool, yet the breeze was warm. The city has not yet acquired the summer humidity that sticks to your skin like wet feathers. The air felt electric, I wanted to run, jump, play, ride and swim. Just the kind of evening that a mere two years ago I would have become mixed up in all sorts of trouble making adventures. It was perfect. The city tingling around me, my ears perking up at the sound of a band practicing in a warehouse as we walked, even at that time I was pleased to be walking with K. Given the choice, I would not have replaced him with anyone else. It could not have been better. Although things quickly changed once we arrived at my front stairs and was faced with the realization that the past few weeks with him have been but a lark, and my ensuing anger with myself at his departure as well as my attachment to him. I was left with an evening which crumbled into a heap of rumble. But for that moment of city silence, I was over joyed with the possibilities the night and the foreboding summer held for me, and it was better than anything else.

Monday May 26, 2008

2008-05-28T23:29:00.004-04:00

Memorial day, was memorable. I did not cook out, I did not celebrate the troops, I did not protest the war. I had a mellow day in the company of a fantastic fellow, K, whom I would very much enjoy spending more time with (I oft wonder if he would care to spend more time with me). Yet, this is irrelevant. My personal life, although intersecting on occasion with my perfect moments, is rarely perfect.

Perfection was different. I attempted to meet a few friends of mine at a beach by the James River for a bit of early afternoon swimming. This particular spot takes a bit of trekking through the woods to find, but is very much worth it for it's lack of crowd. I wandered through the vibrantly green woods, which reeked of honeysuckles (my absolute favorite smell of summer), walking once with a few boys and their dogs, much of the time alone. After some time I arrived at the beach only to find my friends no where in sight. After looking around at a few other areas (never really very hard), I stood calf deep in the river, tiny fish skipping over my ankles, the pebbles beneath my feet. I sighed, and turned back to the path through the woods, this time barefoot, my sandals in hand. This time I walked alone the woods breathing around me. I miss the ardent woods, but I enjoyed the short time we had alone. I think I will visit the forest again soon, not these, but others, with my tent in tow.

Monday May 19, 2008

2008-05-20T13:12:00.003-04:00

It's been a slow start this week. Getting back into the swing of things at work, re-adjusting to Richmond without J, but it's going well. I had a fun weekend, and even went out last night (I have plans for tonight also!). It's amazing how the second one pulls their head out of the sand all of the opperunities which arise.

Monday was busy, I left work later than I expected and then proceeded to get stuck in interstate traffic for over 1 hour, just to go 5 miles. I breathed deep, never got upset and enjoyed sitting in my idling car singing to whatever was on the radio. I found joy today in setting up my bathroom at my new apartment. The new place has been a heavy cloud over me. I look forward to moving and living with my new housemate, but I loathe packing and transporting everything I own across the city. I have far too many posessions. With that said it felt amazing to have just one little thing done. Even though it was just towels, a mat and shower curtian, I immediatly felt accomplished and like maybe moving isn't so bad.

Saturday May 17, 2008

2008-05-18T17:19:00.003-04:00

It's been a good weekend. Much, infinitely better then I could have ever expected. I did spend most of my Saturday in the lab with an experiment that failed (and it's looking like Sunday will go the same way), but never the less beyond my initial sorrow, Saturday was a delight.

I feel like for my highlight I should rave about Saturday night, because I had an excellent one. I spent the evening with K, which was very nice, and the kind of evening I've needed for quite some time. Strangely enough none of the moments from yesterday evening were the nail on the thumb perfection that I strive to see from day-to-day. Saturday's perfection was in an odd, retrospective moment early Saturday evening. I sat, my bed piled with boxes and books, attempting to pack some old text books and journals into one container for moving. It is in this moment that I stumbled upon one of my old composition notebook journals from early college. In the back I found a hastily scribbled "History of.." entry detailing the history of my late high school/early college tumultuous relationship. It was amazing the stream of images, smells and emotions which came flooding back as I read things that I had long forgotten. It felt good to reflect, and even better to remember how, at the time I thought I could never move on, how even at the time of the entry I wrote "I still miss his smell." Which I vaguely remember now as being a musty sort of lilac, with overtones of burning sugar. How I burned for him. Now it seems so far away, it certainly has been months, maybe a year since we last conversed. How much things have changed. I am thankful for memories past, I find joy in their recovery, like a lost treasure or a secret garden waiting to bloom.

Friday May 15,2008

2008-05-16T13:37:00.004-04:00

This week could not have ended soon enough. With each passing day that I was home, I have struggled to let go of J. Non-attachment is hard. I have not cried over it, and I have not lost sleep over it, but I miss him. This town seems soul-less and empty when he is not here. Moving on to Friday.

K, a friend from a pot-luck group, threw a clown party on Friday. I was apprehensive to go, but I decided I needed to get out and forget about J. I rolled over to his place with some former housemates dressed as clowns, face paint and all. I felt so absurd and wrong, but we all need to try new things. It was absolutely worth it. The party started mellow, then all ten of us decided to head out to a frat-tastic dance bar/club, clown gear and all. We got a lot of funny looks from the popped-collared masses, but even more smiles, laughs and "Hey, what are you guys dressed as clowns for?" Absolutely fantastic. We danced until 2am, barely stopping for drinks. I had a blast. The world spinning around me, filled with smiles and possibility, I could not have asked for more in a Friday night. I even got to spend some time with K. I look forward to getting to know him better, and exploring the possibilities which this summer holds. One moment is enough to turn it all around. No other evening has so held true to that statement as Friday night.

Tuesday May 13, 2008

2008-05-14T17:04:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was my official last day in California. It was an odd mixture of joy and a heavy heart. It's hard to always have to say good-bye to the person you love. It's even harder when they don't love you back. But the world keeps turning.

After returning my bike and doing a bit of work on the internet, I began to feel restless, trapped within J's sister's house. I thusly decided that the day was too beautiful to spend inside, and being my last day, I should take advantage of the beautiful mountains and trails which surround me in this earthly paradise. With that I called the dog and trekked out into the trails which weave behind the neighborhood in which I was staying. It was a short hike, clamoring over rocks, throwing things for the dog and breathing deep of the thin mountain air. It was perfect. Yet, it felt foreign to me. So often I avoid solitude, I crave the company of others and go to great lengths to be alone. But, here I was in the woods of a strange state enjoying my loneliness. I could not have asked for a better final moment to hold onto for my memories of this trip. Yes spending these past for days with J was fantastic, only held back by his uncertainty towards me, but this moment, alone in the woods, nature sounding off around me, was perfection and I doubt very little will top it.

Monday May 12, 2008

2008-05-13T16:54:00.002-04:00

The last of my time in California, and with J, is winding down. It's been lovely. Northern California is absolutely beautiful; if only I didn't have obligations back east, I would stay here all summer. In a heartbeat. But I have responsibility and obligations, so tonight I will catch my plane away. It's hard not to be nostalgic, and as much as J says he will keep in touch, I can't help but think this is the last time I will ever see him. Letting go is hard enough, but even worse when it's someone that I at one point in time thought was the one. my one. Life moves on and so must I.

On to perfect moments.

Monday was a beautiful day, I cycled around town, then went for a two hour ride breathing in the thin mountain air. Struggling for oxygen, and loving every minute of it. I arrived back at J's sister's place around 4:30/5:00 to make salsa and crash until J arrived home from work. Immediately upon his arrival we lay together on the couch, but perfection did not arrive until we were laying across the couch, at opposite ends, my rubbing his feet and he rubbing my calves, after long arduous days. We smiled, talking about our days, he made me laugh more than he ever has, but I've been sick so every time I tried to laugh I would break out into fits of coughing. this lead to us attempting to discuss boring things such as: pillow cases and duvet covers. Which only lead to more laughter and coughing fits. It was wonderful to just be with J, enjoying each other's company, without the stress of who or what or when. Only the couch and laughing and coughing. It is moments like these, stress-less and smile-filled that remind me why I once believe J to be perfect for me, and it is the loss of these moments and his inherent confusion that makes me think otherwise.

Lost Weeks

2008-05-12T16:28:00.004-04:00

So it's seriously been two weeks since I've written. My bad. I've been busy, overwhelmed and stressed.

I'm currently chilling out in California, I drove out here late last week with J. As much as it seems that I'm trying to spend more time with him, with driving out here, that's really not my reasoning. I honestly, just wanted to drive across the country. And I must say, I had so much fun. Sleep deprivation, learning to drive stick, laughing, talking and lots of coffee. I can't say that there would have been a better driving partner than J, but I can say I could have had as much fun, if not more with practically anyone else.

Since I've missed so many days already, and today has not yet finished, I'm going to pick up my memories with yesterday.

Sunday May 11, 2008

Sunday was the first full day out of the car. Sleeping on anything other than a car seat with pure bliss, which I must admit was made better by J's presence. But that is certainly not my highlight. Today's joy was found running, walking, frolicking in the snow. Shortly after waking, J and I decided to take his sister's dog on a hike with us. We drove up into the mountains to hike. Being the absent minded person J is he forgot shoes other than sandals and took a wrong turn, not onto a trail but into the snowy fields. I jumped through the snow in my simple black Keds, feet wet and freezing, my legs tunneling into melting snow and throwing sticks for the dog to fetch (although there was a point where he would run, but not fetch). It felt blissful to be in the woods, the sun reflecting off of the snow, the world seemed to glow. Traipsing through the woods I forgot where I was, who I was with, and the messy life which tends to stalk me throughout my days melted away into nothing. I forget how awe-inspiring the outdoors can be, spending my days in the concrete maze of the city. The wilderness, the fields, the mountains, the farms, pure bliss. I need to remember my escapes.

Sunday: April 27, 2008

2008-04-28T00:42:00.005-04:00

Mellow, yet somehow enlightening day today. An uneventful afternoon followed by a flurry of evening activities. Quite out of the ordinary for a Sunday. But; enough about me. It's time for perfection.

Today's beauty and joy was found in a simple phone conversation, although long for my standards the time flew by and I could have talked for hours more. I met H, the subject of my phone call, a few weeks (maybe a month) ago in NYC. He is one of the few people that makes me feel as though I can be 100% myself and not be judged. I simply adore him, and even more adore our long distance conversations. Today's was especially memorable. I had a rough Saturday night, and was overwhelmed most of the day with my own neurosis, when H (whom I hadn't heard from in days!) sends me a text wanting to talk. Mind you my cell phone service is absolutely horrid where I live, on the Sprint map over the block I live on is a 3 block dead zone, so I'm not making this shit up. Yet for the miraculous hour that I called H, I had perfect service, I didn't miss a beat and hung onto his every word. It is amazing how one person can turn even the worst day around and how that same person, although I've only actually seen him once, can create such a glowing warmth within my breast. Our conversation was memorable, but not life changing; I think the perfection of this moment was not in what we talked about or that we talked at all, but more within the connection we share over many many miles, and that we have some how managed to maintain that connection. I hope that we can keep it. I am thankful for his friendship, and although my feelings run much deeper than friendship alone, I am some how satisfied with friendship alone. I have never met a man, that I felt passionately for, that I was able to say that about and I find perfection within him. I cannot imagine the wonder that could exist between us if we were more than friends.

Today's runners up; sleeping without sheets on my bed, this was always forbidden by my mother, yet it is my favorite way to sleep, some how forbidden and cozy. Also drinks with T tonight after he got off work, mainly while we were sitting inside before he became awkwardly drunk.

Two More Days

2008-04-27T00:18:00.003-04:00

Friday: April 25, 2008

Crashed a frat party with some friends, including T. Absolutely fantastic watching boys with popped-collars gawk and girls with mini-skirts sneer as we took over the dance floor, drank their beer and called our friends to join us. Dancing to absurd hip-hop, sweating, laughing, spilling beer, I can't think of a more perfect time. Surrounded by friends, destroying a house that wasn't ours, and it didn't matter. Absolutely delightful; it reminded me of times in college dancing with my sorority sisters and loving every moment. I strive to love every moment, but only a few can be perfect.

Runner's up for this Friday were, watching J dance for dance majors, his redness and nervousness. Eating burritos in my kitchen with T at 3:00am, and walking all over town and losing my cell phone in the middle of the night. I begin to understand A's previous passion for this city, and late night walks that always sounded boring.

Saturday: April 26, 2008

Today was slow, but in a good way. I'm feeling over whelmed, and down, but i know there were good moments today, and there was a perfect moment. It's just a matter of searching for them.

J and I ate dinner at our favorite Ethiopian place today. Walking back to my car the sun still shining, but thunder clouds hanging in the distance we coolly chatted, like we never dated. I teased him about a girl he likes and he flushed, mumbling something about "I never thought about it that way.." The brightness of the sun and the glowing green trees, his smile, our friendship for that moment was perfect and certainly better than anything ever. It is in these moments that I should dwell, instead of extrapolating them into something they will never mean, and become hurt when the perfect of the moment does not extend later into the day. Men are mysteries, boys are just confused.

Slacking

2008-04-25T16:32:00.007-04:00

I'm a horrible blogger. Saying I'll write everyday, then taking 3 days off. oops.

This article made my day
25-things-all-women-should-learn-to-do-already

So.. the best things from the past few days:

Tuesday: April 22, 2008

I was walking through the fan with some friends and J. Grumpy, but when am I not grumpy around J these days? Everyday he finds a new way to break me in two. Anyway, I was walking back to my car with him and another fellow when i noticed the roots of a tree growing out of a sidewalk cut out. It was obvious that the tree had once been in a much smaller brick cut-out, not replaced with gray cement. It's perfectly rectangular roots reminded me of the age of the beautiful city that grows around me, as well as the beauty that I so often miss while running through life.

Wednesday: April 23, 2008

Today was supposed to end with plans seeing P. He's interesting and intelligent. Someone that I would like to get to know better, but he's sort of a a piece of shit. Don't get me wrong, I love his company but beyond that I am usually appalled. So I was looking forward to seeing him on this fateful Wednesday, but as usual he was called else where and never got back to me and we never hung out. But out of this slight annoyance I was rescued by my amazing housemate, who, tired of studying for school decided it would be a good night to start drinking early and alone. I was quick to join his drinking which rolled into a rule breaking, laughing, drunken game of Scrabble. How easy it is to get caught up in meeting new men and attempting (yet failing) to make old men love us. How easy it is to forget the amazing people that surround us every single day, and how easy it is to neglect them. I love my housemates. I would not have moved in with them if i didn't, I must not forget this.

Thursday: April 24, 2008

Uneventful day, work work work, followed by dinner and a movie with J. I don't know why I allow myself to be continually put in these heart breaking situations but none the less he played a roll in my perfect moment. For dinner we went to a place right next to the $2 movie theater for $1 Pabst. We ate well and got a little tipsy before seeing "National Treasure 2," what an absurd movie. It's nice to laugh, smile and joke with him like we did before we dated. Before things got messy and I got clingy. He truly is one of my closest friends and if i wish to preserve that I need to stop trying to get back together with him almost every time I see him. He is a wonderful person, but not a wonderful person for me. I saw that while we were eating. We balance well, but our lives move at such different orbits would be impossible to live within the same sphere, happily. I saw that then and watching him laugh and smile, being happy knowing that it will never work, is better than anything ever. Better than being together, better than being apart, just wishing the best for us both.

Since then the insight i had this has dissolved, but for a moment it was clear.

Public Transport

2008-04-21T22:21:00.004-04:00

I think some of the best moments come out of mundane day-to-day things. Today I was riding the bus from work over to J's house for lunch. The weather was miserable, dreary rain which naturally packed the bus full of people who would have normally walked the few blocks up the street. There was one gentleman in particular siting at the front of the bus whom all the surrounding women would look at, crinkle their nose and secretly pray for his departure. I was a little too far back in the bus to figure out what all the fuss was about, but nonetheless my curiosity was peaked.

Slowly but surely, the larger gentleman in question arose from his seat, squeezed by a woman boarding the bus and exited. The second the doors closed the women of the bus let out a collective "Ooooooh Lordy!" A lady in front of me leans to a woman across the isle and asks "Lemme borrow that spray." She slides up the bus isle and proceeds to spray the entire front half of the bus with vanilla body spray. The second she sits down from behind me I hear "Oo, that smells nice" "So much better!" "Lord have mercy!"

I love the bits of community that form on a 3 to 4 block bus ride. It is almost as if you've known those men and women your whole life, and have collectively struggled against whatever antagonist the bus has previously held. In this case an apparently atrocious smelling older man.

Spring Rain

2008-04-20T20:14:00.005-04:00

Today I struggled. After I set forth a goal of posting everyday, I went through the motions of a wretched Sunday afternoon, I found myself grasping for a moment that was any better than the rest.

Yet, as my day is winding down, one snuck up on me.

I was driving over to J's house in hopes of tea and a chat, knowing that I was sort of acting crazy, as a direct result of Friday evening. I wavered between hoping that he wasn't home, and hoping that he was. But as I rolled down the street I discovered his empty home, and found myself thanking god that he was not there to witness my uncontrolled insanity/impulses. As I drove home, a mix CD played. One that I had made for an ex well over a year ago to punctuate the end of a four year relationship. Each song was more mournful than the last. As I drove through the rain, the city shining around me I found solace in the ache from the past, smiling at the thought that I have been here before; I survived it then, and will survive it again. I smiled, drove up to the look out in my neighborhood and sang along to Mazzy Star. I find comfort and joy in the pain from the past, it lessens the blow of today's sorrows. I find perfection in this and the city that shines around me.

A New Start

2008-04-19T03:42:00.006-04:00

I've been mulling over the idea of starting a blog for some reason or another. This particular incarnation I've been considering for the past 6 months, and have finally come around to starting it. I have become tired of always focusing on the negative, as humans we tend to remember only the bad in hopes of not repeating such experiences. I'm tired of all my memories being the worst of times. With this blog I hope to have a daily (or close to it) chronicle of the best moments from a day. They can be as simple as the sky looking perfect to something huge like a first kiss. So it begins.

Memory

Today was filled with so many comings and goings it is difficult to tease apart just one perfect memory. I think it centers around watching Back to the Future 3 with T at 2am on his filthy futon. I've never seen any of the Back to the Future movies, therefore this one made very little sense. So it was not so much the movie that made this moment perfect. It's that little tingle in your spine when you're alone with a person for the first time, whom you've been craving to see but every moment you're surrounded by others and every moment falls somewhat incomplete. The world gets a bit of a glow, but you're so nervous you can only sit an awkward 3 feet away. It was perfection.

A close runner up was the truck pool in the afternoon. I'm sure this will happen again this summer, and positive one day it will be my number one.